After the storm, came the rainbow... and at the end of it there was a real pot of gold - a real treasure :) We are so grateful to this Rainbow Mama - Marta Zakrzewska - for sharing this difficult story with us and all of you and she added these joyful pictures. We are very honoured to offer our RAINBOW BABY wrap as a part of this story.
Silence is never good (now that I am a mother, I know that silence always means trouble), and when it's the doctor who remains silent - it means a nightmare. Those were the worst seconds of my life and then I heard "I'm sorry, the heart is not beating". It was Friday.
What happened...I honestly don't remember. I fell into some abyss, emptiness... Time was passing by, and I was waiting for a check-up visit on Monday to confirm the diagnosis in hospital.
"You are young. You still have time to have children."- the doctor said carelessly.
Then there was another abyss. Tuesday. December 19th, 2006. I can't remember anything. Anaesthesia. Awful emptiness afterwards. It was the worst Christmas in my entire life. Me - the girl who had always really loved Christmas - I hated it that year. For many years - as it turned out later.
Two lines on a test appeared for the second time in May, 2010. Joy mixed with fear, quickly turned into pure fear, the scenario happened again. Spotting, lying orders, medicines... No pulse.
Two weeks after my miscarriage a friend of mine gave birth to a girl and I shattered into a million pieces. All I could do was cry.
In accordance with the law, the recurrent miscarriage is only diagnosed after the 3rd miscarriage. Only then do you order a test, only then do the doctors look for the cause. 2 miscarriages is only a coincidence, a bad statistical series...
I knew that something was wrong. It was not a coincidence. Infertility treatment clinic. Professor. Thousands of tests for a fee. Lots of money. The diagnosis. Genetic defect. Fatal defect in 50% cases. Doctors advise pre-implantation diagnostics. We try. Lots of money...again, so many drugs, hundreds of injections, dozens of visits. Two years. Nothing.
2013. I was so mad at the entire world. I decided that we would try again. This time without any doctors, just like that. After two months, two lines. I do not get a sick leave, it still does not make sense. I work so as not to think. And there it is, the second trimester! There is joy! In the prenatal examination at the end of the first trimester all the results are normal, there are no defects, nothing bad is happening. I feel gentle movements. I do not believe it!
On Monday I come back from work and my stomach hurts. It is different. Something is wrong. I call the doctor. "Please come immediately." During the service again a moment of silence. I am shaking all over. After that, the doctor panics. The heart rate is weak, the little one. A referral to the hospital on the toilet. In the meantime a phone call to the IP that we are going.
At the hospital again the doctor, who is scaring me. He is not doing an ultrasound. He will be on the ward. I want to check myself out, go to another hospital, to an ultrasound immediately. He is scaring me. I lie down on the ward. I'm shaking. The midwife is bringing sedatives. There is no ultrasound. I fall asleep after my medication.
In the morning, I make my rounds. The chief. An ordinary chief, who screams, threatens and demands information whether we are doing an amniocentesis today. I say that he wants an ultrasound, he wants to know if the little one is alive. He is screaming.
After 3 hours the ultrasound is performed by an intern. She screams because she is shaking and I make it difficult to examine her. No heartbeat. I run out of the office. I am supposed to take the drugs that cause the spasms. I refuse. I am waiting for another doctor to do an ultrasound.
Evening is coming. The doctor is coming. "Sorry". I'm surprised. He apologizes to me? Yes, he's sorry we waited so long. He invites me and my husband to an ultrasound examination. He explains, shows. No pulse. "I'm very sorry" He explains what we can do now, what drugs I should take and what will happen next.
We order a genetic test. We pay. They give me the drugs. And again. And again. Our son is born. We get a certificate of the birth of a dead child and a discharge. We wait for the results. The funeral. A visit to the geneticist. Error in the examination. We still do not know the cause. I can't believe it. After two months I go back to work. Life goes on as if next to me.
I find the doctor from whom I heard "Sorry", I say I want him to be my doctor. The doctor takes care of me, directs me to examinations, looks for the cause, doesn't underestimate, directs me to doctors of other specialties, suspects coagulation problems. The results do not confirm anything, the haematologist does not issue a certificate of the need to take medicines, but the immunologist and gynaecologist insist.
In spring 2014 I am pregnant again, I take the drugs. It is the second trimester! We remain vigilant. Visits every week. Medicines. Lots of drugs. Amniocentesis. We wait for the result. Test to be repeated, fear, but it's alrady 16 weeks. We are waiting for the result. 18th week. We're halfway through. Everything is ok. It's a healthy boy. There is a result of the amniocentesis, now we are sure, a healthy boy. Another ultrasound. Incorrect flow. We're increasing the dose of drugs. We wait for the 24th week, because then the child has a good chance to survive. Then 27th. Pregnancy diabetes. Another stress. Then 32nd. There it is. We can breathe with relief. In the 34th week, the heart rate jumps. The hospital. This time, they immediately do the CTG test. They are watching. Everything is fine. We leave with controlled optimism. The USG and CTG tests every week. We've got is! - 37 weeks - it's term pregnancy. In the 39th week, referral to the pregnancy pathology ward. Just in case. Sugar level falls, doctors are afraid of placenta performance. We induce. Oxytocin. 12 hours of cramps. Full dilation, but the young man does not want to go down into the canal. After another 2 hours the decision about the caesarean section. 25 minutes after midnight, perfectly on time our miracle is born, a real miracle, a rainbow after the storm.
Today this miracle is 6 years old (almost, because in 2 weeks' time), and in the belly there's another wonderful rainbow boy jumping and kicking. We are now waiting until January! Am I afraid? I'm very scared. I am waiting for January, I would like to fall asleep and wake up only on a beautiful January day. I check every day in my calendar as a winner. Slowly I let myself feel more joy than fear.