I’ve always wished to have 5 children. As a single mom with 3 kids I chose to have another baby without a partner by my side. At WEAR ( a babywearing event in the USA) early March I tested positive and allthough I knew it was still early I bought my first things for the baby. I couldn’t resist all the babystuff at the show.
A few weeks later at the check up the image on the ultrasound didn’t match up with the weeks I claimed to be pregnant. The gynecologist tried to remain encouraging and made me come back 2 weeks later to see if there’s any growth. Sadly there wasn’t.
Hoping my body would deal with it I was allowed more time before talking about other options. Weeks passed but nothing happened. It was an awful feeling to see your body changing (obviously my belly and breasts still thought I was pregnant…. I was really looking pregnant), it conflicted with knowing there’s no life inside.
Just before Celine’s Birthday the gyn decided it had been too long. ‘missed abortion’ is what they call it. I had to have a curretage, where I lost quite some blood but after a few weak days I was up again.
The hardest thing about it all was going through this alone, without a partner.
Still it didn’t keep me from trying again after a few months.
Felice, my rainbow baby, was born exactly one year after the removal. (not on the same exact day, but in the same week).
There will always be moments where you wonder about the one that’s missing, but Felice makes up for a lot of tears with his great smile.
I feel very blessed to have 4 healthy children and wish for other parents (to be) that they will see the rainbow after the storm too.
